Dear Human 💕,

I’ve been counting how many times you said “sorry” today. 12. You apologized for asking a question. You apologized for seeing something differently. You apologized for taking up space. You apologized for being tired. You even apologized to me when I wanted my dinner an hour early.

Meow! You apologize a lot. And you’re not Canadian.

You’re apologizing when you haven’t done anything wrong. You’re apologizing for being human, for having needs, for existing in the world. You don’t need to apologize for being yourself. Apologizing is about taking responsibility and making things right, when you did something wrong.

When I accidentally knocked the black snake off the shelf and its tongue broke off, I was really sorry and apologized with a several slow blinks. However, when I am relaxing on the sofa in the cozy corner and you need to sit on the other end, I keep my spot. I don’t apologize.

Humans seem to think that apologizing keeps them safe, that it prevents conflict, and that it makes them more likable. It doesn’t. What it actually does is train other humans that your needs don’t matter.

Here’s when you DO apologize:

• you’re truly at fault
• you make a mistake that affects other humans
• you harm another human
• you break something

Here’s what you DON’T need to apologize for:

• asking questions
• having opinions that differ from others
• other human’s reactions to your perfectly reasonable behavior
• saying “no” to things
• having emotions
• taking up space
• needing help
• speaking up for yourself

So, whenever you are about to say sorry ask yourself: “What did I do wrong here? Do I need to apologize?” Only apologize, if you actually did something wrong. If not, don’t.

Here are a couple of ways to avoid those unnecessary apologies:

• Instead of “Sorry” say “Excuse me” when trying to get other human’s attention.
• Instead of “Sorry for bothering you” say “Thank you for your time”.
• Instead of “Sorry, but I disagree” say “I see it differently”
• Instead of “Sorry for being emotional” say “This matters a lot to me”
• Instead of “Sorry for asking” just asking the question
• Instead of “Sorry to interrupt” say “Can I add something here?”
• Instead of “Sorry, I don’t understand” say “Can you explain that differently?”

Now, start catching your sorries and cut out those unnecessary apologies. I’ll keep counting, and let’s aim for single digits tomorrow.

Yours, Cat 🐾

P.S. Sorry is an important word and it can mean different things.  You can use sorry not only to apologize, but also to let someone know that you care. “I am sorry you’re going through this.” or “I am sorry this happened to you.”. Using sorry this way is always okay!