Dear Human 💕,

I’ve been watching you and the other human trying to figure out plans for your night together.

One human wants to go out.

One human wants to stay in.

You want different things, and now you’re both trying hard to find a solution where nobody ends up disappointed.

Meow. That solution doesn’t exist.

When two humans want different things at the same time, one of them is going to be disappointed. You can’t avoid it.

If you want to do something together tonight, you can’t both get what you want. One of you will be disappointed.

There’s nothing wrong with that. That’s just what happens when two humans want different things.

The question isn’t “How do we avoid disappointment?” The question is “How disappointed will each human be?”

How badly does each human want what they want?

Does the human who wants to go out want to go out very badly—maybe it’s a one-time event—or would they prefer to go out, but are okay with staying in?

Is the human who wants to stay in super exhausted and doesn’t have any energy, or would they prefer to stay in, but are okay with going out?

You won’t be able to figure it out, unless you talk about what each of you really wants. Honestly. And you need to be prepared to be disappointed or disappoint. It won’t feel good, but it’s impossible to avoid.

When you know what each human wants, you can figure out what’s okay for both. It might look like this:

The one human is excited to go out, but they understand that the other human would be miserable. The human is disappointed to not go out, but it’s more important to them that the other human is not miserable.

The one human would prefer to stay in, but they understand the other human is excited to go out. The human is disappointed to not stay in, but it’s more important to them that the other human gets to do what they are excited about.

So it will always depend on the situation who will end up disappointed this time. As long as both humans feel they are okay with the solution, it’s okay that one of them is disappointed. Here’s the thing: When a human is okay with the solution, they are still disappointed at this time, but they will get over it.

Be careful, though. If you’re not okay with a solution and you sacrifice what you want to please the other human, then neither of you will be okay. You will be miserable doing something you don’t want to do, and the other human will be miserable watching you be miserable.

And yes, I said “this time.” Because that’s how it works between two humans. Give and take. Sometimes one human is disappointed. Sometimes the other human is disappointed. Over time, you’ll need to balance it.

And if you really want to balance the wants of two humans, both need to be ready to disappoint or be disappointed and (learn to) be okay with it.

While you can’t avoid disappointing or being disappointed, you can do your best to understand each other and watch out for each other.

Now accept that one of you will be disappointed tonight and talk honestly about what you each want.

I’m staying in my box tonight. You two figure out what works for you.

Yours,
Cat 🐾

P.S. Everything in this note is true for Needs as well. Needs are different from Wants, though. Needs must be met. Wants are nice to have. Needs are always more important.

P.P.S. Even if you can’t meet both wants this time, you can usually plan to meet both. For example, you can stay in tonight and go out tomorrow (or another day) or the other way around.